Things will be different, we can safely say.

Indeed, has not every newly elected President said that? After promises, and hand shakes, and baby kisses, every new President insists this time it will be different. And yet, it always winds up playing out the same way: a honeymoon period, initial criticisms, long-term accusations, rumors of scandals, and so on. Things don’t change.

This time, though, it really will be different—and not because Mitt Romney will be President, but because America is different. Here are some ways that a Mitt Romney presidency will be different from the previous presidencies.

• Social Media. Mitt Romney will be unable to make stupid comments or mealy-mouthed promises to lobbyists or small interest groups without Twitter lighting up like a spotlight. Look at what Twitter has done to the Obama campaign, and thus far what it has done for the Romney campaign. A politician cannot say anything without Twitter verifying it within seconds.
• Precedent. You know, for someone who practiced law for a reasonable time, President Obama sure did not get the idea of legal precedent. The guy was practically Precedent Obama: anything Mitt Romney would do, want to do, or consider doing that would be unpopular with liberals will easily have a precedent lovingly set by the Obama administration. Executive orders? End runs around Congress? Bypassing the Constitution? Whatever! Liberals already approved it! While the Romney administration would be unlikely to do anything illegal or gray, they could easily leverage the legitimate stuff with his gift of verbal Judo to get things done.
• Hypocrisy. Most liberals are painfully oblivious to their own hypocrisy. The Czar himself does not understand why conservative pundits go to such pains to point out every example of liberal hypocrisy when it does as much good as hollering at snow falling. But a Romney administration can do much to capitalize on his plans by pointing out in advance that liberals approved this idea “in a different way” before. Romney is a good negotiator, to say the least. He can turn liberal hypocrisy to his advantage: remember, if liberals suffer no consequences from it, then you can get them to agree against their own principles as well.
• Scrutiny. Just as George W. Bush had every single move and decision scrutinized by his opponents, so too will Mtt Romney. But Romney will also suffer from being scrutinized by conservatives—who still suspect him of being squishy—and moderates—who are very concerned he has been seduced by extremists. Indeed, Romney may be the most intensely scrutinized president in history, merely because so many political groups will be looking for the smallest mistake or misstep.

Even so, you know that your Gormogons will be watching him closely as well, and we’re not about to let him off the hook any more than we were, um, nice to George W. Bush.

The Czar of Muscovy

Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй. The Czar was born in the steppes of Russia in 1267, and was cheated out of total control of all Russia upon the death of Boris Mikhailovich, who replaced Alexander Yaroslav Nevsky in 1263. However, in 1283, our Czar was passed over due to a clerical error and the rule of all Russia went to his second cousin Daniil (Даниил Александрович), whom Czar still resents. As a half-hearted apology, the Czar was awarded control over Muscovy, inconveniently located 5,000 miles away just outside Chicago. He now spends his time seething about this and writing about other stuff that bothers him.