Affirmative Action, ‘Puter Style
The Reverend DeForest B. Soaries, Jr., writing in today’s Wall Street Journal, puts forth a view of affirmative action ‘Puter can wholeheartedly support. Rev. Soaries writes:
None of these problems will be solved by government policies alone. They need the attention of our churches and other community organizations.
When King announced on the eve of his assassination that he had seen the “Promised Land,” he could not have imagined the levels of violence, school drop-outs, drug addiction and child abandonment that have become normal in black America. To get to the Promised Land, we will need to rebuild the infrastructure of the black family, the neighborhood and the church.
How refreshing. It’s up to us, not the government, to address our problems. Self reliance and self improvement is the answer. ‘Puter fully expects Rev. Soaires to be marginalized for his heresy.
Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.
’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.
The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.
His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.
He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.
Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.
‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.