Private Charity v. Government Handouts

It has always struck ‘Puter that government is singularly bad at effectively distributing needed aid to the poor. To be certain, government does a great job at spending taxpayer money on programs, but does a lousy job at achieving meaningful results. Private charity has traditionally done a much better job, until the government occupied the field and imposed rules on private charity as well.

‘Puter hypothesizes that the reason the government does such a poor job at moving people from poverty to success is that the government is unable to discriminate among individuals, in the proper sense of the word. There is a difference between the criminal element applicant and the part time student single mother of two applicant, yet the government is unable to treat them differently. The government cannot make value judgments, using benefits to direct individuals to meaningful life changes.

Private charities used to be able to do this well. Mr. O’Malley may be a worthy recipient because he’s a hard worker who lost his job in the downturn. Mr. Gilooly is not worthy because he’s a drunk and a petty criminal. Charities would usually help the O’Malleys with cash and donations, and steer the Giloolys to treatment programs while still supporting basic needs.

It may be more efficient to get government out of the charity business altogether. Americans will not permit people to starve on the streets, and with the amount of money saved, we could pay for President Obama’s Giant Technicolor Stimulus Plan.

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.