‘Puter’s been doing a lot of thinking about health care recently, and the Obama Adminsitration’s plans therefor. And why not? We’re talking about either nationalizing or effectively hamstringing one-seventh of the American economy.

Anyhoo, ‘Puter’s convinced that ObamaCare will of necessity ration health care. That is, in order to achieve the cost savings put forth in the plan, government bureaucrats will make decisions regarding the proper (read, “not to exceed”) amount of care to be provided for chronic and terminal conditions. Over time, this rationing will likely creep into preventive and basic health care as well. It’s only through rationing that ObamaCare’s numbers add up. And it seems that most Democrats in Congress refuse to acknowledge this central truth: ObamaCare = health care rationing.

So, in ‘Puter’s fantasy world where he gets to testify before the Senate Health, Education, Labor and Pensions Committee and its acting Chairman Sen. Chris Dodd (D-CT), here’s a draft of his testimony for your perusal.

[Start Dream Sequence]

[Dirksen Senate Office Building, Room 430, 10:30 a.m., Tuesday, September 8, 2009]

Acting Chariman Dodd and esteemed Senators, good morning.

My name is ‘Puter and I reside in scenic, overtaxed Upstate New York. ‘Puter is saddened Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-MA), Chairman of this Committee, is unable to join us today, due to his ongoing brain cancer treatments. ‘Puter extends his best wishes to Sen. Kennedy and his family during this difficult time.

‘Puter has read extensively the proposals before you to reform America’s health care system. In the proposed reforms, medical treatment will necessarily be denied to some people in order to benefit the majority. In other words, health care will be rationed. The reforms can work in no other way. To implement the system, government bureaucrats will be charged with determining when the costs of treatment for the individual outweigh the benefit to society as a whole. Our current system leaves this calculus to the individual. The Administration’s proposed reforms require the government to decide for the individual.

‘Puter has one question for you, Senator Dodd. Would you put Sen. Kennedy into this system right now?

You would not, Sen. Dodd, and you know why. If. Sen. Kennedy were subject to the system you wish to impose on Americans, the government would not treat Sen. Kennedy, and he would die.

Sen. Kennedy, as you know, has a malignant glioma affecting the left hemisphere of his brain. The survival rate averages 2-3 years for a less malignant tumor. Sen. Kennedy is 76 years old. According to the 2005 Social Security Administration, a 76 year old male could expect to live another 9.7 years. Treating cancer costs $93.2 billion each year, according to 2008 figures from the American Cancer Society. In 2006, 559,888 Americans died of all forms of cancer. While not an exact figure, as ‘Puter is using 2008 costs and 2006 deaths, Americans spent $166,461.86 per cancer death. In 2005, approximately 10,701,000 Americans were living with cancer of all types. Again, using imperfect comparisons, Americans spent approximately $8,709.47 per cancer patient.

‘Puter’s provided you some facts and figures, Sen. Dodd. How do you calculate the value of Sen. Kennedy’s life, assuming he can be cured and live out his remaining 9.7 years average life expectancy? Are you willing to spend $8,709.47? How about $166,461.86? How about $10,000,000.00? Does your analysis change if you know that regardless of treatment, Sen. Kennedy would die in 2-3 years from his cancer? How much do you think Sen. Kennedy would think appropriate to spend on his treatment? Do you believe a government bureaucrat would spend hundreds of thousands of dollars in treatment on a 76 year old man to buy him maybe 7 additional years? Are you willing to bet Sen. Kennedy’s life on a bureaucrat’s judgment?

‘Puter knows it’s not fair to put you on the spot like this Sen. Dodd. How can you value the life of a friend or a family member? You can’t just reduce him to a fixed dollar amount. But that’s exactly what your reforms will do to the friends and family members of millions of Americans, Senator. Your reforms will require bureaucrats to make a determination of the value of someone’s mother’s life. Or someone’s child’s life. Or, maybe even Sen. Kennedy’s life. And then determine if that human being is worth enough to deserve the treatment he requests. If not, that American will not receive needed medical treatment, and may die.

All ‘Puter asks of the Senate is that you not deny Americans the same freedom you refuse to deny your friend and colleague Sen. Kennedy: the freedom to choose one’s medical treatment, without government interference.

Thank you.

[Press corps weeps openly, Senators beg forgiveness, legislation scuttled, fade to black]

[‘Puter wakes up]

'Puter

Always right, unless he isn’t, the infallible Ghettoputer F. X. Gormogons claims to be an in-law of the Volgi, although no one really believes this.

’Puter carefully follows economic and financial trends, legal affairs, and serves as the Gormogons’ financial and legal advisor. He successfully defended us against a lawsuit from a liquor distributor worth hundreds of thousands of dollars in unpaid deliveries of bootleg shandies.

The Geep has an IQ so high it is untestable and attempts to measure it have resulted in dangerously unstable results as well as injuries to researchers. Coincidentally, he publishes intelligence tests as a side gig.

His sarcasm is so highly developed it borders on the psychic, and he is often able to insult a person even before meeting them. ’Puter enjoys hunting small game with 000 slugs and punt guns, correcting homilies in real time at Mass, and undermining unions. ’Puter likes to wear a hockey mask and carry an axe into public campgrounds, where he bursts into people’s tents and screams. As you might expect, he has been shot several times but remains completely undeterred.

He assures us that his obsessive fawning over news stories involving women teachers sleeping with young students is not Freudian in any way, although he admits something similar once happened to him. Uniquely, ’Puter is unable to speak, read, or write Russian, but he is able to sing it fluently.

Geep joined the order in the mid-1980s. He arrived at the Castle door with dozens of steamer trunks and an inarticulate hissing creature of astonishingly low intelligence he calls “Sleestak.” Ghettoputer appears to make his wishes known to Sleestak, although no one is sure whether this is the result of complex sign language, expert body posture reading, or simply beating Sleestak with a rubber mallet.

‘Puter suggests the Czar suck it.